Of course not literally,but today,I didn't feel the best to start with,and I pushed myself through that as much as I could.As the day proceeded,I got into a fight with my husband,details are not necessary,and then it happened.I hit a crushing wall of grief and self pity unlike any I have dealt with before.Facing an incurrable illness,means that a lot of the old Julie is gone.The Julie who LOVED to go to comedy clubs with her girls,have a drink or two and dance after the show,nope,she is gone.And the grief hit me so strong,I felt as though wave after wave of cold ocean water was pouring over my numb body.The old Julie was a riot,she was quick witted,easy to laugh,easy to smile,ready to go out of her way for anyone,ready to do anything for someone she called a friend.She loved to dance,she loved to sing,she loved to eat raw cookie dough.She could giggle at the most inappropriate moments,giggle at very inappropriate things........I loved her.This Julie is fine,she is more vanilla,more "lets-not-rock-the-boat"the old Julie would be dancing in the boat ,daring it to tip.Grief had struck me again,this grief,crushed my heart,I felt like crawling into a little ball and just staying there.My life line came in a form of a best friend who has so many of the old/new Julie traits,the humour,sometimes inappropriate!The love of gore and horror movies,and ghosts,and things that go jump in the night!The love of dancing,even if you suck!This life line reminded me of a mother talking to a injured child,checking for the scraps and bumps,and seeing which ones needed band-aids.We talked for over a hour while I cried and poured my heart out to her about my grief.Grief,I was most sure I had dealt with on a previous basis.Thank God for my friend.She may roll her eyes,but it was her caring,that felt like a warm blanket around my cold numb shoulders.I finally emerged from the grief and the gloom,and we had a good laugh about what awful"white girl"dancers we are.She wins the award for saving a friend in need,most assuredly.So Grief,after being sick for well over a year,can sneak back up on you.For me it could have been the combination of not feeling well,the argument,that may have been enough for it to rear its ugly head.I hate it.I don't wan't to say I hate the Julie that I 've become,because she has more time for her children,more time to cuddle,not always in a hurry,but I have made a list of what I do miss,in no particular order,that the old Julie had.If I could have even one or two of these things back again,I would be so happy.Thats my new goal.to continue to get well enough to"earn" back some of what I lost....not all of it,I know that will not happen unless a cure is found,so here is my list:
1.DRIVING A CAR(oh my God,that would be heaven!!)
2.Dancing in a club/or anywhere for at least 5 minutes!
3.Jumping on a trampoline with Willow.(enough said)
4.INDEPENDENCE....no help from anybody
5.Tap Dancing lessons with Willow(they MAY be fun)
6.Family Vacation to somewhere awesome and I feel great.
7.Standing in the shower,the WHOLE time....lol
8.A walk with no heart pouding or fainting!
The good thing is the propranolol is working for me,I have not had one really bad day except yesterday,in almost a month,and I mean a POTSy day,There have been lots of days I have just felt tired,but yesterday was my first POTSy day in over a month...thats such a good thing,when they used to be on a everyday basis.So,yes,The old Julie is gone.....BUT maybe,there is even a better Julie just waiting to step into her size 8 shoes.